Oneness

Imagine you are a wave in the ocean. You're rolling along thinking, "I am a wave called Olivia." But maybe you don't like your shape. You'd like to be a little taller, a little thinner. The other waves are getting too close to you. You don't like your place in the ocean. None of these things are really your fault. This is a thing we call karma. The moon is pulling, the wind is blowing, the other waves are pushing up against you, and that's giving you the shape you don't like. That's what we call suffering. Furthermore, you can see the shore where the waves all crash and end and you're afraid. As you get closer to the shore, you loosen your grip and peter out. Now the whole thing is ocean, no wave.

Through practice, a simple but profound thing happens. You realize that you are the ocean and not just the wave. The wave was always nothing more than ocean. There is no wave that is not ocean. If you are a wave you are also the ocean. The Japanese call this experience of glimpsing the simple truth kensho.

Enlightenment is when you catch a glimpse of kensho and see it deeply, and then it stays with you so that you walk around, unable to forget that you're the ocean as well as the wave. Enlightenment can become more and more lucid. It never ends. What might begin to end is the feeling that you are missing something.



Then comes embodiment, the second part of the practice. A person who has realized that she is the ocean begins to behave like the ocean. How does the ocean behave differently than a wave? When you're a wave and don't know that you're also the ocean, the other waves irritate you and you elbow them out of the way. When you are the ocean, you realize that all waves are you. The urge to get more and the lack of appreciation for what is and who we are loses its potency. We gradually accept this new reality we've dropped into.

Enlightenment ends the strong karma. Enlightenmet ends the illusion that you know who you are. Enlightenment ends the suffering caused by thinking that you are an alienated being living in a strange place, dying and becoming dust. You're emancipated. You're free.

Lazy Saturday

Things to do on a lazy Saturday...

~Get up early, drink tea and meditate
~Sit outside on the porch, smoke a cigarette and read
~Roll another pack of cigarettes
~Tell your family you love them
~Watch random youtube videos
~Add items to your Amazon wishlist
~ Journal
~Take a long walk
~Write 'thinking of you' cards to those who could use the encouragement
~Search the web for yummy vegetarian recipes
~Watch a Desperate Housewives marathon
~Listen to old Frank Zappa vinyls
~Learn to play a new song on guitar
~Declutter/Organize living area
~Go to the bookstore
~Sit in a coffeeshop and write bad poetry
~Call a friend you haven't heard from in a while
~Fold laundry
~Take a nap
~Download new music onto the trusty ole' iPod
~Create your future family on the Sims 3
~Plan a day trip

To Life!

A month and a day has passed since my last post and so much has happened. So many lessons learned, experience gained, and doors opening up. I was hospitalized again and for the first time in my history of hospitalizations, I feel like I really got the help that I needed. When I got out, there was nowhere to go - too many bridges burned and contact lost with those I love the most. I lived on the streets for 2 weeks, staying in churches, parks and shelters, everything I owned carried on my back, meeting people from every path of life, making mistakes and making right choices, taking each day as it came, and learning something new with each step I took. It was an experience that taught me to be grateful for all the blessings I've been given, and to take nothing for granted. It made all too real to me the harsh realities of life and opened my eyes to the way so many live their lives. Now I am back home, living with my parents, getting ready to start my new job, and living life with a new understanding of how things are, how I want them to be, and the effort it will entail to make my hopes and dreams a reality.

I've set up a daily routine for myself and am already feeling healthier and happier. To bed early each night and up early every morning, medication, 30 minutes of meditation, an hour of physical exercise, volunteer work taking care of the horses at my Mom's work, organizing paperwork, helping out around the house, an hour spent outside enjoying nature, lots of reading, trying out new vegetarian recipes, catching up with my Mom before bed, medication, meditation, then bed. Repeat. I don't start my new job at the health food store until Monday, so until then when my schedule will change a bit, I'm going to stick to this plan. It keeps me busy, happy, healthy, and out of trouble.

One of the changes I committed to making is not using drugs or being around others who do. The same goes for drinking. I've realized that it only hurts, never brings any lasting good and hinders my ability to stay present in the moment and enjoy all that the now offers. It is also in accordance with the 8 noble truths. Right effort. Right action. Right thought. Right mindfulness. Next on the list - quit smoking cigarrettes. Phew! Wish me luck on that one.

Overall, feeling that life is good. Counting my blessings now more than ever and focusing on infusing into my daily life and thinking the ways of the 8 fold path.

Blessings to all and I plan to be posting regularly in the future as well as catching up with the month I missed by posting some of my hand written journal entries during my time in the hospital and on the street. Watch for updates! Peace, Love, and Happiness to all. Blessings. Olivia

Dream A Little Dream Of Me

One of my favorites from Mama Cass. The sixties live on!!

Luckiest Girl

I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have such a tremendously supportive best friend. He would do anything in the world for me and has literally given me the shirt off his back. Sure, we sometimes get into trouble together, but he's always right beside me. Always there to do whatever I need; to help me up when I've fallen down, to offer me a cigarette, buy me chocolate, and make a 4 hour round trip twice in a week to visit me in the hospital. Always there to offer advice, support, and encouragement, hug me when I need a hug, and kick me in the ass when I'm feeling sorry for myself. Austin, you're my best friend and I love you.

A Mindfulness Meditation; Week 5

For this last week, spend it observing what you consume. Does what you consume preserve peace, well-being, and joy? When you have an urge for a little dose of poison, see what motivates your impulse. Notice your addictions (or compulsive habits) and observe what beliefs they satisfy. Habits are of course habit-forming, so note those you'd like to foster and those you'd like to leave behind.

RIP Amy Winehouse

I was in the hospital when I heard that Amy had passed from this life. It surprised me a little that I cried. She had so much talent, so much beauty, but she couldn't escape her demons. So troubled at such a young age, its such a shame. I cried for the battle lost, the fragile woman lost. In one of my journals from several years ago I predicted she would be the next to join the 27 club. I wish I'd been wrong. May your spirit live on in peace Amy.

It seems to me that love is the most important thing in the world. It may be important to great thinkers to examine the world, to explain and despise it. But I think it is only important to love the world, not to despise it, not for us to hate each other, but to be able to regard the world and ourselves and all beings with love, admiration and respect.

Herman Hesse

A Mindfulness MEditation; Week 4

Devote this week to deep listening and loving speech. Listening, see if you can completely give yourself over, without preconception or judgement. Listen with an open mind and an open heart. Speaking, listen to yourself. Do you see and mean each word? Note how often you make frivolous, cynical and negative comments. And how often do you speak of things which you don't really know about firsthand?

Grilled Eggplant Lasagne

This looks delicious, I'm dying to try it! Hopefully will have time to make it today or tomorrow!

For the Tofu Ricotta:
1 lb. firm tofu, drained
1 Tbsp. olive oil
1 Tbsp. lemon juice
2 tsp. basil
2 tsp. parsley
3/4 tsp. salt
1 clove garlic, minced

For the Sauce:
2 lbs. Roma tomatoes
2 Tbsp. olive oil
Salt and pepper, to taste
2 tsp. sugar

To Assemble:
9 lasagne noodles
2 medium eggplants
2 Tbsp. olive oil
Salt and pepper, to taste

For the Tofu Ricotta:
•Place the tofu in a large mixing bowl and mash until the entire block is in medium-sized chunks.
•Add the remaining ingredients and stir until just combined.
For the Sauce:

•Toss the whole tomatoes with olive oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Place on a heated grill for about 4 minutes, or until the skins begin to blacken.
•Remove from the heat and, when cool enough to the touch, peel off the skins and scoop the seeds and pulp out of the center.
•Add the tomatoes to a food processor and blend until smooth, adding sugar and additional salt and pepper to taste.
To Assemble:

•Preheat the oven to 350°F.
•Bring a large pot of water to a boil and cook the lasagne noodles according to the package directions. Drain and set aside.
•Cut the eggplants into 1/2-inch slices.
•Brush both sides of each slice liberally with olive oil, then sprinkle with salt and pepper.
•Cook the slices on a grill over high heat for 3 to 4 minutes on each side.
•In a casserole dish, layer about 1/2 cup of sauce, 3 noodles, 1/2 the eggplant slices, more sauce, and 1/2 cup of tofu ricotta. Repeat until all ingredients are layered.
•Bake for about 30 minutes.

The Heart of Life

A Mindfulness Meditation; Week 3

Last week was devoted to noticing the material things in life and appreciating the non-material aspects of it. I decluttered my room, trying to make everything as simple as possible, keeping the essentials and donating or recycling the extra clutter that only serves to complicate life and mind. I spent more time with nature, went out of my way to show kindness to those I encountered, and made sure to be generous with my smiles. I learned to value and appreciate the non-material aspects of my life.

During week three, notice how often sex arises in your conciousness. Each time ask yourself what it's associated with. Power? Loneliness? Compassion? Stress? Self-esteem? Pressure? Pleasure? Nature? You might be surprised. You can extend this into an addition time of observing your sensuality, sensing your senses, and seeing what pulls you in. Even more time could be devoted to relationships. Do you view others as objects? Where do you withhold? Where do you yield? Where do you respond as an equal?

Falling Away From Me

How do things fall apart so quickly?
Struggling. Trying to take things a moment at a time. Feeling totally overwhelmed. Wishing I could just disappear forever.
Please send some positive energy my way if you think of it. Could use some support right now.

Blessing

I found this little prayer online the other day. In our day of eating disorders and soul hunger, this simple, profound blessing helps to put food and eating into a healed perspective. May it bring you to mindfulness with every bite of food you eat.


Earth, Water, Fire, Air and Space
combine to make this food.
Numberless beings gave their lives
and labors that we may eat.
May we be nourished
that we may nourish life.

For Christina

Ooookkkk. Who sucks at blogging? That would be me. Things have been so hectic lately and I just haven't gotten around to getting online much. HOWEVER, my amazing friend Christina has been on my case to keep posting, sssoooo here it is! This one's for you, girl!

I had 3 and a half hours of class tonight. The material is basic, the prof is good, but there is just so much damn homework! It's easy, but time consuming. Just a tad tedious and I can't help but feel that the textbook is about the same as the one I had in 7th grade....Oh well. I welcome the easy A.

Talked to the boy for 2 amazing hours tonight. Can't wait to see him tomorrow. The boy + the bestie + random assortment of other amazing friends + music + the movies + mary jane + food + stargazing = a perfect, perfect day.
Up early tomorrow to clean and get started on my homework then off for coffee and music with Mags, chillin with the bestie, then meeting up with the gang. Headed to bed now. Going to try a short meditation first. At night, it's said to bring pleasant dreams and peaceful sleep. That's exactly what I need tonight. Starting to feel a little bit drained emotionally.

Wishing peaceful, pleasant dreams to all. Close your eyes, give yourself encouragement. Reflect on what you've learned throughout the day. Let sleep carry you on it's wings to the amazing worlds of your imagination. Open your eyes in the morning with the knowledge that it is a new day and you have the power to make life worth living. Blessings.

A Mindfulness Meditation; Week 2

Last week I tried to focus on having reverence for nature and all sentient beings. Some days went better than others, but because of an awareness of my successes and failures, I feel it was a worthwhile learning experience. I spoke hurtful words to someone in anger. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. I left trash in the field because it was dark and we were too lazy to get a flashlight and find everything. We must be the change we wish to see in the world. I found a giant bug in the garage and instead of squashing it, moved it outside. Every living thing has inherent buddha nature. I sent my sister a letter and a little care package to encourage her through this mess she has to deal with. Everyone suffers. We can do our part to decrease the pain of others. I watered, fed, and nurtured my little seedlings. They're growing quite nicely and remind me of the beauty and power of mother earth.

This week, observe the material things in your daily life. How do you handle objects that cross your path - yours and others? Do you recycle? Do you waste water in the shower? Are you energy efficient? Are you tempted by what's not yours? Try to practice random acts of spontaneous kindness. Act upon your friendly, benevolent impulses. At the end of the week, measure your wealth in non material terms. How many sunsets or dawns did you watch? How many times did you appreciate nature? Did you smile enough?

The plan to increase my daily meditation time didn't exactly happen. We'll give it another go this week. Small steps, small steps.

Pictures as promised! Here is the latest addition to the altar.

I love the green that's laced throughout.

Beautiful detail.

HAPPY 4TH!!

Besties!

Spent last night having adventures and making memories with my best friend in the whole fucking world! Easily the best night of this summer so far. Wish I had remembered to bring my camera. Due to spending a good portion of the evening with our lovely friend Mary Jane, I remember the night more as a dream-like sequence - a picnic at the lake, killer ducks, sitting in the field on our way to Olive Garden, soup salad & breadsticks, cigarettes, fireworks, Turkey Hill slushies, laying on the hay bales in the field on my grateful dead blanket looking at the stars, singing show tunes and contemplating life. Couldn't ask for a better friend. Love you Austin.

Keep Swinging

You got drunk, more so than you'd ever been. Hailed a cab, but passed out cold before you told the driver where to go and so he drove you around Chicago.
You woke up sicker than you'd ever been. You threw up, shit the bed, and there was no one there to clean you up. And the room was spinning all around you.
Make a fist and take a deep breath. Close your eyes and count to ten. Just keep swinging till you're over it.
The mess you left had got you feeling pretty bad. But she's a maid, I guess that's what she gets paid for.
Make a fist and take a deep breath. Close you're eyes and count to ten. Just keep swinging till you're over it.

You Win Some, You Lose Some...

Today I lost the battle with my OCD. The day had a promising start, but when I left work, I just lost it. It's difficult to explain. Like I have this feeling that my body is not aligned. My right side is off from the left. The feeling is especially strong in my legs, making me feel the constant need to move the right side of my body and causing high levels of anxiety. All attempts at mindfulness and concentration failed and as a last resort, I ended up popping a few Ativan. It helped for a while, but the feelings are getting stronger again. Hopefully it won't give me problems falling asleep tonight.

I guess it's not a complete loss though. I have more of an understanding of dukkha (suffering). Nothing is permanent. While there is suffering, there must also be non-suffering (peace). The suffering of the now is just that - in the now. It will pass because it, like everything else, is impermanent. That's a comfort.

A Mindfulness Meditation; Week 1

Today I went for a walk in the woods. The clouds were beautiful. The sky was blue. I just stood, looking up. Lost track of time...I haven't felt that tuned in to things in a long time and it inspired me.

I've decided to take the next five weeks to practice mindfulness in various aspects of my daily life so as to be more conscious of each day, each moment, each action as it comes and goes. Anyone care to join me?

Week 1 Notice the influence of the first precept in your life. Vow to bring no harm to any living creature through word, deed or thought. Yourself included. Notice all the living beings in your world you might normally ignore. Weeds poking up through pavement. Bugs. Birds. Cultivate a sense of care and reverence for them. Houseplants are buddhas, too. Stones, too.

I will also be setting aside more time each day for meditation. It's so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, but we make time for what is important to us. I read somewhere - "You don't have time? That's not a valid excuse. Time is really all we have. If we decide it's necessary, there's time for it." As a somewhat unrelated and only slightly interesting side note, I recently bought a new buddha statue/figurine for my altar. One of these days I'll have to post a picture. It's really very nice.

My Favorite Things

Amazing time with The Boy yesterday! A day filled with all of my favorite things.

Chinese food, friends, bloodshot eyes, cool cars, amish hats, kisses in the sun, racing on the highway, USA Gold Menthol 100s, blushes, hiking in flipflops, the river, the city at night, stories, fortune cookies, cream ale, 3D, the sun, tall trees, no sleep, good music, friends, Hogaarden, mary jane, tibet, Whitney Cummings, Elton John, dreaming, laughing, smoking, driving, wishing, matchmaking and bright, beautiful, early mornings.

Thought Of The Day.
If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change. The Buddha.

Peace.

De-Cluttering

Today was dedicated to the cleaning and de-cluttering of my living area. Cleaning, organizing, and throwing away the junk I've accumulated over the years. So ready to move into my own place but the money is slow coming in.

Also got a chance to visit The Heaven & Nature Store in Harrisburg. Beautiful shop! If you're in the area, be sure to check it out. Well worth your time! I almost bought a new Buddha figurine for my altar but it was a little on the pricey side and honestly, I need to be all about paying all those darn medical bills that keep pouring in. I've gotten a few from collection agencies too as of late. It's definitely a stresser. But until the funds start coming in, there really is nothing I can do. If nothing else, the anxiety has given me opportunity to practice mindfulness in everyday life. I've made a commitment to save my anti-anxiety medication as a last resort, opting instead for controlled and aware breathing and thinking. It's a challenge, but one that I think is important and necessary in the long run. The last thing I want to be is dependent on drugs - prescription or not.

Ran a few errands with Dad as well. We were both in good moods, kept the fighting to a minimum and ended up spending some quality time really enjoying each other's company. Haven't done that in I don't know how long. It was a nice time of chatting, food, shopping and great music. Feels so good to spend an afternoon conflict-free!

Well, it's about time for me to hit the sack as I've set a goal for myself to get to bed earlier and start my days earlier. Looking forward to spending some quality time with The Boy tomorrow. Can't wait to see him! Hope everyone is well and enjoying the warm weather and sunshine. With the Thought of the Day, I bid you adieu.

This is an excerpt from a teaching by the Dalai Lama.
There was an empirical study that found that people who have the tendency to use more self-referential terms (I, me, myself) tend to have more health problems and earlier deaths. These people have more involvement with the self. Being self-absorbed has an immediate effect of narrowing one's focus and blurring one's vision. It is like being pressed down by a heavy load. If, on the other hand, you think more about others' well-being, it immediately makes you feel more expansive, liberated and free. Problems which before may have seemed enormous would then seem more manageable.

Summer Breeze (makes me feel fine....)

[That's Seals and Crofts for the musically uneducated ;)]

Ever have one of those days where you're just so damn glad to be alive? Doesn't happen too often, but today is definitely one of them! I got a lot done at home and at work and spent 2 wonderful hours at the environmental center, weeding and clearing up the path to one of the many surrounding nature trails. Couldn't have asked for better weather. Warm but not humid with a nice breeze...There's a real connection you feel to the earth when you get back to nature and open yourself up to it. There's so much to learn. So much to be thankful for. Today I'm thankful for soft grass, blue skies, and tall trees.

This morning I had a little extra time before work and was able to plant some herbs! Parsley, Sage, Thyme, Chives, and Lemon Basil. So excited for my little seedlings to grow! Right now they're resting outside in the warm but away from direct sunlight. Time to sit back and watch 'em grow; test my patience.

Thought of the day is a quote. Scratch that - two quotes.
We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.
also
Your deepest roots are in nature. No matter who you are, where you live, or what kind of a life you lead, you remain irrevocably linked with the rest of creation.

And with that, I leave you. Wishing peace, joy, understanding and love to all. Olivia.

Letting Go of Anger

Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.

Today, I make a conscious decision to let go of the anger I've been holding on to. It does no good, only breeds bitterness and discontent.

I AM IRON MAN!

So I've been on a Cardigans kick this week. Love their cover of the Ozzy classic Iron Man. Check it out!

Lazeez

So...I've had this blog less than a week and have already gone and forgotten to post. Agh! In my defense, yesterday was an uber busy day. Early morning appointment, first day of the new job, and placement testing at HACC where I'll be starting classes next month. It feels SO good to be getting back into the swing of things. It's amazing how much more fulfilling life is when you stay active and have a schedule. I also will be starting my latest volunteer job this weekend at my local environmental center. Really excited about that opportunity as well.

My day job is doing clerical work.....mostly scanning stacks and stacks of paper files into the computer database. It's tedious, but I'm allowed to listen to my iPod while working, so in preparation for the big first day, I spent the night before downloading a bunch of podcasts to help pass the time. I'm already hooked on one called "More Hip Than Hippie" (www.morehipthanhippie.com). It's an awesome show about practical and affordable green living. Both entertaining and informative. One of the hosts also runs a business called Green Feet. Check out the online store! There's some great stuff there and most of it is decently priced. (www.greenfeet.com). Ok, enough advertising.

I'd like to end each of my posts with a brief Thought of The Day. Just an idea or impression that I've had over the course of the day that might be fun or helpful to share. Today's has to do with connectedness. Singularity. Something I was told in a mindfulness session that has never left me. Nothing truly ever goes out of existence. Think of clouds, for example. They never actually cease to exist, they merely change forms. Rain or snow which feed into the earth sustaining plants and nature and so live eternally through them. These plants, in turn, sustain wildlife, and so on. It's all a big circle. I believe the same is true of human life - that it can never be truly extinguished. It's so easy to see things in terms of life and death, but take both out of the equation and see how your view of the world changes. Life is energy. And energy can neither be created nor destroyed. It merely is. It is eternal. Therefore, some aspect of our being will always live on, even after our physical bodies have perished. It's just a thought. I may be wrong. But either way, I find it comforting. It's beautiful, really.

New Beginnings

"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose. For this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down." ~Mary Pickford

The past 2 years of my life have not been easy. I've burned bridges, made countless mistakes, and hurt the people who cared about me most. But I've let that hold me down long enough. It's time to move on.

To celebrate this new chapter of my life, I thought I'd start a new blog where I will attempt to chronicle the adventures, thoughts, experiences, and lessons of a young woman trying to make her way in the world. I will embrace life with open arms and use my experiences, struggles, and growth to build on this blog.

A warm welcome to my readers. Remember - look ahead, not behind, and keep moving forward. Most of all, be happy and enjoy the little things. Never forget that life is a gift. Peace, Love, and Happiness. Olivia