Keep Swinging

You got drunk, more so than you'd ever been. Hailed a cab, but passed out cold before you told the driver where to go and so he drove you around Chicago.
You woke up sicker than you'd ever been. You threw up, shit the bed, and there was no one there to clean you up. And the room was spinning all around you.
Make a fist and take a deep breath. Close your eyes and count to ten. Just keep swinging till you're over it.
The mess you left had got you feeling pretty bad. But she's a maid, I guess that's what she gets paid for.
Make a fist and take a deep breath. Close you're eyes and count to ten. Just keep swinging till you're over it.

You Win Some, You Lose Some...

Today I lost the battle with my OCD. The day had a promising start, but when I left work, I just lost it. It's difficult to explain. Like I have this feeling that my body is not aligned. My right side is off from the left. The feeling is especially strong in my legs, making me feel the constant need to move the right side of my body and causing high levels of anxiety. All attempts at mindfulness and concentration failed and as a last resort, I ended up popping a few Ativan. It helped for a while, but the feelings are getting stronger again. Hopefully it won't give me problems falling asleep tonight.

I guess it's not a complete loss though. I have more of an understanding of dukkha (suffering). Nothing is permanent. While there is suffering, there must also be non-suffering (peace). The suffering of the now is just that - in the now. It will pass because it, like everything else, is impermanent. That's a comfort.

A Mindfulness Meditation; Week 1

Today I went for a walk in the woods. The clouds were beautiful. The sky was blue. I just stood, looking up. Lost track of time...I haven't felt that tuned in to things in a long time and it inspired me.

I've decided to take the next five weeks to practice mindfulness in various aspects of my daily life so as to be more conscious of each day, each moment, each action as it comes and goes. Anyone care to join me?

Week 1 Notice the influence of the first precept in your life. Vow to bring no harm to any living creature through word, deed or thought. Yourself included. Notice all the living beings in your world you might normally ignore. Weeds poking up through pavement. Bugs. Birds. Cultivate a sense of care and reverence for them. Houseplants are buddhas, too. Stones, too.

I will also be setting aside more time each day for meditation. It's so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, but we make time for what is important to us. I read somewhere - "You don't have time? That's not a valid excuse. Time is really all we have. If we decide it's necessary, there's time for it." As a somewhat unrelated and only slightly interesting side note, I recently bought a new buddha statue/figurine for my altar. One of these days I'll have to post a picture. It's really very nice.

My Favorite Things

Amazing time with The Boy yesterday! A day filled with all of my favorite things.

Chinese food, friends, bloodshot eyes, cool cars, amish hats, kisses in the sun, racing on the highway, USA Gold Menthol 100s, blushes, hiking in flipflops, the river, the city at night, stories, fortune cookies, cream ale, 3D, the sun, tall trees, no sleep, good music, friends, Hogaarden, mary jane, tibet, Whitney Cummings, Elton John, dreaming, laughing, smoking, driving, wishing, matchmaking and bright, beautiful, early mornings.

Thought Of The Day.
If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change. The Buddha.

Peace.

De-Cluttering

Today was dedicated to the cleaning and de-cluttering of my living area. Cleaning, organizing, and throwing away the junk I've accumulated over the years. So ready to move into my own place but the money is slow coming in.

Also got a chance to visit The Heaven & Nature Store in Harrisburg. Beautiful shop! If you're in the area, be sure to check it out. Well worth your time! I almost bought a new Buddha figurine for my altar but it was a little on the pricey side and honestly, I need to be all about paying all those darn medical bills that keep pouring in. I've gotten a few from collection agencies too as of late. It's definitely a stresser. But until the funds start coming in, there really is nothing I can do. If nothing else, the anxiety has given me opportunity to practice mindfulness in everyday life. I've made a commitment to save my anti-anxiety medication as a last resort, opting instead for controlled and aware breathing and thinking. It's a challenge, but one that I think is important and necessary in the long run. The last thing I want to be is dependent on drugs - prescription or not.

Ran a few errands with Dad as well. We were both in good moods, kept the fighting to a minimum and ended up spending some quality time really enjoying each other's company. Haven't done that in I don't know how long. It was a nice time of chatting, food, shopping and great music. Feels so good to spend an afternoon conflict-free!

Well, it's about time for me to hit the sack as I've set a goal for myself to get to bed earlier and start my days earlier. Looking forward to spending some quality time with The Boy tomorrow. Can't wait to see him! Hope everyone is well and enjoying the warm weather and sunshine. With the Thought of the Day, I bid you adieu.

This is an excerpt from a teaching by the Dalai Lama.
There was an empirical study that found that people who have the tendency to use more self-referential terms (I, me, myself) tend to have more health problems and earlier deaths. These people have more involvement with the self. Being self-absorbed has an immediate effect of narrowing one's focus and blurring one's vision. It is like being pressed down by a heavy load. If, on the other hand, you think more about others' well-being, it immediately makes you feel more expansive, liberated and free. Problems which before may have seemed enormous would then seem more manageable.

Summer Breeze (makes me feel fine....)

[That's Seals and Crofts for the musically uneducated ;)]

Ever have one of those days where you're just so damn glad to be alive? Doesn't happen too often, but today is definitely one of them! I got a lot done at home and at work and spent 2 wonderful hours at the environmental center, weeding and clearing up the path to one of the many surrounding nature trails. Couldn't have asked for better weather. Warm but not humid with a nice breeze...There's a real connection you feel to the earth when you get back to nature and open yourself up to it. There's so much to learn. So much to be thankful for. Today I'm thankful for soft grass, blue skies, and tall trees.

This morning I had a little extra time before work and was able to plant some herbs! Parsley, Sage, Thyme, Chives, and Lemon Basil. So excited for my little seedlings to grow! Right now they're resting outside in the warm but away from direct sunlight. Time to sit back and watch 'em grow; test my patience.

Thought of the day is a quote. Scratch that - two quotes.
We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.
also
Your deepest roots are in nature. No matter who you are, where you live, or what kind of a life you lead, you remain irrevocably linked with the rest of creation.

And with that, I leave you. Wishing peace, joy, understanding and love to all. Olivia.

Letting Go of Anger

Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.

Today, I make a conscious decision to let go of the anger I've been holding on to. It does no good, only breeds bitterness and discontent.

I AM IRON MAN!

So I've been on a Cardigans kick this week. Love their cover of the Ozzy classic Iron Man. Check it out!

Lazeez

So...I've had this blog less than a week and have already gone and forgotten to post. Agh! In my defense, yesterday was an uber busy day. Early morning appointment, first day of the new job, and placement testing at HACC where I'll be starting classes next month. It feels SO good to be getting back into the swing of things. It's amazing how much more fulfilling life is when you stay active and have a schedule. I also will be starting my latest volunteer job this weekend at my local environmental center. Really excited about that opportunity as well.

My day job is doing clerical work.....mostly scanning stacks and stacks of paper files into the computer database. It's tedious, but I'm allowed to listen to my iPod while working, so in preparation for the big first day, I spent the night before downloading a bunch of podcasts to help pass the time. I'm already hooked on one called "More Hip Than Hippie" (www.morehipthanhippie.com). It's an awesome show about practical and affordable green living. Both entertaining and informative. One of the hosts also runs a business called Green Feet. Check out the online store! There's some great stuff there and most of it is decently priced. (www.greenfeet.com). Ok, enough advertising.

I'd like to end each of my posts with a brief Thought of The Day. Just an idea or impression that I've had over the course of the day that might be fun or helpful to share. Today's has to do with connectedness. Singularity. Something I was told in a mindfulness session that has never left me. Nothing truly ever goes out of existence. Think of clouds, for example. They never actually cease to exist, they merely change forms. Rain or snow which feed into the earth sustaining plants and nature and so live eternally through them. These plants, in turn, sustain wildlife, and so on. It's all a big circle. I believe the same is true of human life - that it can never be truly extinguished. It's so easy to see things in terms of life and death, but take both out of the equation and see how your view of the world changes. Life is energy. And energy can neither be created nor destroyed. It merely is. It is eternal. Therefore, some aspect of our being will always live on, even after our physical bodies have perished. It's just a thought. I may be wrong. But either way, I find it comforting. It's beautiful, really.

New Beginnings

"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose. For this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down." ~Mary Pickford

The past 2 years of my life have not been easy. I've burned bridges, made countless mistakes, and hurt the people who cared about me most. But I've let that hold me down long enough. It's time to move on.

To celebrate this new chapter of my life, I thought I'd start a new blog where I will attempt to chronicle the adventures, thoughts, experiences, and lessons of a young woman trying to make her way in the world. I will embrace life with open arms and use my experiences, struggles, and growth to build on this blog.

A warm welcome to my readers. Remember - look ahead, not behind, and keep moving forward. Most of all, be happy and enjoy the little things. Never forget that life is a gift. Peace, Love, and Happiness. Olivia